We offer all the standard shit, plus a little extra you won't get from our insensitive and heartless competitors:
24/7 Incident Response
Server problems? Let’s not lie to each other – all the sysadmins are out drinking. Rest assured, someone probably has JuiceSSH installed on their smartphone and is available to assist by the third or fourth time their phone rings.
Our emotionally unpredictable staff will keep you on your feet, never making it a dull moment when you contact us for help. We even provide complimentary eggshells for you to walk on.
Committment to Success
We want you to succeed! We help by getting overly defensive when you act like you know more than we do. You can be assured in our ability to teach you valuable life lessons about unfounded confidence by taking any opportunity to make you feel incompetent.
The emotional instability of our company is what makes us a success.
Our company prides itself on our open and healthy display of emotion, even though it sometimes makes our customers uncomfortable. It's ok though, because we were also uncomfortable having to troubleshoot your grandmother's porn site. Anyway, here are some fun facts about our workplace:
- Xanax is plentifully distributed via snack bags to ensure that proper sanitation and portion control is achieved
- We keep our customer service department stocked with plenty of women, to ensure maximum display of emotion
- Our servers are specially designed to not talk back, which is instrumental in balancing our chi
- We are committed to operating a green environment. We used to go through 40 boxes of tissues per week, and to help reduce waste we opted to replace said tissues with biodegradable onion skins. It's good for the environment, and helps support our local farmers as the nonstop cycle of acid tears wears away at our souls.